The Shadow Chronicles

Brevis ipsa vita est sed malis fit longior.

Confessions of a Paradox
Take me

Today I found myself skimming through some old LJ posts in a time where I still had some sanity left.
They're pretty amusing. I wonder where that girl with the colorful mind ventured off to?
She represented everything that I wanted to be and nothing I've become.
I'm getting really bad at this "updating" mumbo jumbo, if you didn't already realize. Procrastination is my one and only talent, and I have a knack at getting away with it. With friends, projects and such. It would never fly at work... well, only sometimes.

I have nothing but humbug updates. Nothing really of merit to warrant anyone's attention:
  1. I *thought* I was going back to school this semester after a long 4 year hiatus, but come to find out at the time of registering, I had some complications. Something about seeing a counselor to discuss a course plan. I was supposed to do this on Monday, but sleep felt so much better. Ah well, there's always Spring semester.
  2. After months of being bed-ridden and critically ill, my grandmother on my father's side passed away this Saturday. She was in her 80s and is survived by my grandfather and 5 offspring, 4 grandkids. At first I didn't know how to feel since I wasn't very close to her. She lived in Mexico for all her life and got to see my family every couple of years when my dad would bring them over. But we never fully established a personal or deep relationship with each other. I was always at work and there just wasn't much to talk about when there was time. We came from very different worlds and mindsets. But I loved my grandmother for the strong woman she was. I made sure she knew before she died.  I suppose the hardest part was giving my condolences to dad. It's always hard when the head of the home is pained and fragile like transparent glass. He tried to fight the emotions and it hurt to see him struggle. To save face in front of his family. And in the end, I couldn't say anything to him. What words were there left to say? I simply hugged him and hoped it conveyed my emotions and said the words I couldn't speak.
  3. My current long-term project is a personal blog I hope to have finished within the next couple of weeks. It'd be awesome if I knew some CSS to really give the site some personality, but I come equipped with a thick skull and MySpace is about the only site I know how to modify. The blog will be dedicated to my encounters with food. I plan to take a more informative approach to the various places I'll be visiting as opposed to an actual positive or negative review, though I can already tell that might be a challenge. People are not without their biases. What's tasty and delightful for me might be dog shit for another person... but I'll leave the ratings to my Yelp! account which has already gotten me some attention for being a "sarcastically harsh critic". Muahaha. The Queen of Evil returns. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be any good at this blogging thing or if my meager site will have any success, but here's hoping it'll catch a few wandering eyes.
I think that pretty much covers it. Can't think of much more in these wee hours of the night, er morning. And I gotta go to work tomorrow, bright eyed and bushy tailed- cause that is so totally me.

My own worst Enemy
Elfen Lied
Ok... so I COMPLETELY take back all the good things I previously said about my job, cause it went from Paradise to HELL in 15 minutes flat. How could one place hold so much EVIL?! Man! I remember when I used to BE the Queen of Evil. Something's definitely wrong here... and I don't intend to keep quiet any longer! Most people would probably be like, 'Is that all you're bitching about?' but I assure you the situation is far worse than it seems.

I mean, we're talking double shifts here. Ever since that good-for-nothing chick left, I've had to cover her shift and mine. Here are my daily tasks:

  • Answer phone calls (8 phone lines that ring simultaneously at times!)

  • Take down doctor's messages

  • Register new patients

  • Check in patients

  • 'Buzz" doctors at their office letting them know their patients have arrived

  • Call insurance companies for authorizations

  • Medical records

  • Full out insurance paperwork for authorizations

  • PMA paperwork for foster children

  • Input new patient information in the company database

  • Label/put away new patient charts

  • Miscellaneous tasks given by doctors throughout the day

  • Reminder calls for 30+ patients every night

There are currently 20+ doctors on staff and things get hectic all the freaking time! I'm sure I left out a good 5-10 tasks from that list, easily. All in an 8 hour time period. I am very good at multi-tasking, but this is freaking ridiculous!! Fingers are being snapped at me for shit I need time to do.
AND I DON'T GET THE FUCKIN TIME TO DO IT!! Arrrrgghhh!! >_<!! I wish people could understand how frustrated I am right now.
So when I saw a new list of 30+ things I "need to complete ASAP" on my desk from the company bitch, I totally lost it and slammed every door on my way out of that office. I made sure everyone new to steer clear of me or they were gonna get beat down. I know was radiating anger from every pore in my body. And I swear on my cousin's grave that if she would have shown her face, her teeth would've flown out her mouth. They would have to PRY my hands off her cold, limp body after I'd be through with her. UNFORTUNATELY, she wasn't there anymore and I felt like throwing the paper at my boss and walking out as an alternative.
But instead, yours truly went down to the basement/parking lot and went beserk on a poor, abandoned washing machine left down there. I hope that thing didn't have an owner... cause now... yeah.... it's gonna need some remodeling. >_>;; Anger management? Yeah, I probably need some. But can you blame me?!
Poor washing machine... I feel like rubbing what left of it's metallic frame in sympathy and saying "Im sorry".

Seriously though, I'm having a chat with the head honcho tomorrow about this. And if things don't get resolved in some way, shape or form, I think it's time to say goodbye to this job. I'm a very patient person... but once it's gone... oh how I pity your face.

If I'm going down... you can be sure as Hell, I'm taking you with me.

Horray for Procrastination!
Take me
So, it's been a bit over two whole years since I last came to this wondrous thing called 'LiveJournal'... and it's strange really. I've realized how easy is it to become disconnected to oneself and to others around you. It's a sad and dismal conslusion, though one I've come to accept as a sign that yes, indeed I have changed. And change, ladies and gents, is a very good thing. For without this notion, we would be unable to transform into the people we've strived to become. Our eyes would be wide open, but we'd be unable to see.

What's new you ask? Lot's and lot's of things!
It's been almost two years since I started working for the 'greater good'. I was laid off at my previous employer due to economic setbacks in mid Nov. 06' and spent two months in utter chaos, wondering how I was gonna pay my bills. And browsing through Craig's List I found (insert angelic choir here) PRPG! w00t! So now I'm making way more than I was and living a comfortable life. Not to mention I'm getting a 'hands-on' look at what my career will look like if I pursue my degree in psychology. And I don't like it one bit. So I think I'll stick to teaching instead.

October marked some bittersweet reminders.
The 1st was my best friend's birthday and we celebrated with some tequila. October 5th was my uncle's first year memorial. He passed away due to medical complications. In some ways, a very heavy burden was lifted from my family when he died, but at the same time an even larger gap was left behind. October 17th was G's birthday which we celebrated at Claim Jumpers. This same month marked the sixth year we've been together... and counting.

Last week, Thursday the 23rd to be exact, brought my cousin's 4th year memorial. It was so damn hot that day too, and traffic was uber congested while driving to the cemetary. I thought the flowers were gonna wilt in my car, but luckily they survived. So after cleaning her headstone and arranging some pebbles and shells I took, I lit the incense and let it's fragrance surround me with memories. I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel sad. But I didn't. Instead I just sat there in the warmth above me, surrounded by forgotten graves and quietly let time pass. When her sister arrived, we gossiped like old maids until the sun began to set. And when the bells at the clock tower rang six o'clock we called it a day and said our goodbyes. I've never felt so peace filled before when I've visited her grave.. it was almost ethereal. Could this mean I'm letting go? I don't know if my emotions are healed yet. Only time will tell I suppose.

But that's pretty much my current life in a nutshell. I hope to be updating this thing with more frequency. But procrastination seems to be my forte at the moment.
Tags: , ,

Where did I venture off to?
Take me
"I think I left myself at the checkout stand at Ranch 99..."

Procrastination is my biggest weakness. That's probably why it takes me so damn long to update this thing. A lot of great things have happened, though it seems sometimes the bad outweigh the good.
I am now employed by the largest So. Cali, office furniture dealer. It's really great here... I get benefits and my hours and so flexible. Everyone is really great here too... I've really become attached to some of my co-workers. I am finally getting the hang of school once more. I was having some real issues when I was back in Cerritos. Once I headed out to OC though, I started to renew my love for school. I don't know what it is about OC, but it just makes me feel more at home. I hope to move there sometime soon.

Many of my friends are getting married within the year, and it seems I'm the only one without any plans. I would like to settle down in the future but right now is not the time. I can't help but feel left out though. My relationship with G. has come to new realizations. I feel as though we have a form of commitment now, but there are some things that are just not clear to me and these things are what usually make me depressed. I wonder sometimes if I am making the right decision or if there's something else out there...

Circadian Rythym My Ass...
Take me
As usual here I am...awake...while the rest of America enjoys their six hours of full, undisturbed sleep. Might as well be a freaking vampire, since I am up for most of the night. But at least all this sleep depravation has been helping my depression cycles. I feel a bit better when I lose sleep for some reason. I don't like my dreams anymore. They are always sad and repetative. They always tell me what I know and what I long to forget. And they confirm what I dread the most

I am so tired of wearig the same damn mask over and over everyday. I want to rip it apart, but if I did that, then everything would dissolve. So I put it on every morning and pretend to be brave. I smile and tell the world how happy I am. I can hear my disgusting laughter bouncing off the walls. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Maybe I won't even get to write in this any longer. And padded walls will be my new friends. I am tired of being everyone's savior. I am tired of listening to every problem in the world. When I want to speak there is no one to listen. I make other people smile everyday, but I can't help myself. I guess I am really that pathetic and fake. I can't be strong for you anymore and I'm sorry, but how I wish someone could be strong for me...

Just because....
Take me
Well seeing as though I haven't posted in a while I just thought I'd do it now, since I'm actually home for a change and not in the usual hell hole that goes by the name "job". OH GOD!!! You should have seen that damned line the day after Thanksgiving!!! My God you'd think people were too stuffed to go shopping the next day. Glutinous louts!! But yeah the freaking line made a U-turn and ended up at around the same place it began. How pathetic and that was only at 8:00 am. I really need another job.
Other than the obvious, my life's been pretty stable? I don't know what to call it, but yeah. Life will never be the same since the last catastrophe, and this Thanksgiving seemed really I shouldn't have been happy, and to be quite honest, I wasn't. My dreams shattered, my hope lost. I have nothing left.
I guess the only thing I'm looking forward to is tomorrow cause I get to spend it with my SO. But anyways I'm gonna go grab a slice of pie and some jello.

Take me
when was the last time my world was still together? it all came crashing down in the bink of an eye. the portrait in my collection has been torn to shreds, the jagged pieces strewn on the ground. i really don't feel like playing this cruel game anymore. what is there to gain? Nothing. I'm not the same person you left behind. the me that was back then is no more. why can't you see that? my eyes tell you everything and yet you ignore it. am i really that unimportant? i must be. i can't even find my purpose. its at times like these that i've realized how very indifferent i've become. she doesn't live here anymore. i look for her everywhere. felling weary from the search i finally spot her. she is sitting in a darkened corner. unable to speak, unable to hear, unable to think, unable to feel. poor blubbering fool. her clothes are tattered, her hair unwashed. her pale skin almost luminescent in the light of the moon. she hasn't slept in years. hasn't eaten in weeks. i grab her by the shoulders and shake her violently. she doesn't respond. tears stream from her expressionless eyes. and so she dies in my arms over and over, time and time again. i always look for her, but she is always to be found in the same place. no one seems to see her. no one seems to care. she dies alone, no one to mourn her. and so daily life continues but i can't help but feel her motionless eyes on me, never leaving my presence, until i realize who she is and feel the true weight of the earth as it crashes on my shoulders.

In Search of...Sleep
Take me
Monday is the beginning of a clean slate. I am going to a new college (for reasons that I prefer not to disclose). I am not nervous, nor am I tense. I am actually looking forward to this new start.
For a moment I thought the world had stopped turning. Everyone was looking at the girl who had given up the will. I could feel their icy stares penetrating the dark of my soul, where no one dared to tread. And then the Earth shifted on its axis once more. Its movement shattered the illusion I had created. I was aware once more.
On another more sour note, I was finally able to see my little cousin Bilo. It had been so damn long since my family had seen him. If I ever see his father (if one can even call him that) I will let my rage out. I can never forgive him. He took them away from us. My two jewels who are now stars on the celestial sphere. He thinks he can break us, but he has no idea who he's dealing with. The child does not want to go back with him, and I don't blame him either. Bilo fell asleep in my arms and though I was holding him tight I could feel him slowly dissapear.

Enough of all this blabbering though. I have a collection of other things to be worried about...(like fighting those who stole my credit identity). I better start working on way to cure my insomnia too. I've already had too many dreams that I am incredibly late for the first day of class...

Take me
It happened again... why does this keep happening and when will it be over? I never get a response...there is never an answer. The coldness spreads faster. I can feel it seeping into my veins, slowly riding up my fingers into my hands. What is this I feel? Anger...discontent...pity...frustration. Why now... My mind was playing tricks again. Making me think I had forgotten...but I was wrong. It shattered again, but this time there's nowhere left to run and no one willing enough... Damn this...Damn it all. I don't need any of this... I never asked for it in the first place. I can't do this anymore... I refuse to... I gave it up a long time ago. To be seen from the outside... I see a horrendous picture. A frozen scream... a blood stained ground... and it wasn't worth it after all. It was just a game... only a harmless game. Broken... shattered...slivered. The end results.

Am I asleep??
Take me
Not very much has happened since I last conjured up some stories. My cousin is still in the damn hospital, recovering from chemo (phase 2). I feel so bad and guilty that I haven't seen her in weeks. (Maggie, if you are reading this, I greatly appreciate your contributions to the cancer center where you are volunteering. I never really thought that cancer would ever "hit home" so to speak. This past month has been chellenging for my family. Later on I seemed to develop an acute case of insomnia. I find myself awake until six o' clock in the damn morning staring at either the ceiling or my computer screen. I have absolutely no idea as to why whatsoever. But onto other things: I am almost finished collecting the X tv series on dvd along with the limited edition black slipcover. The only one I'm missing is X six, it is so damn hard to find it with the slipcover, but I am happy that I was able to collect the rest. My collection of anime is steadily growing, and is yet to be complete!! On another note my $700 parrot was stolen from our house early Monday morning. Cage and all. We miss our beloved "Coconut" dearly and we probably figured one of our neighbors took him in order to sell him for drug money. I hope Coconut bites their fingers off and plucks out their eyes. They deserve it. So here ends my saga for now at least, as I gaze once more at my computer screen in the wee hours of the day. Sayonara.


Log in